NOTES FROM THE UNWANTED: IS BEING UNATTRACTIVE A BURDEN?

Earlier last week Arthur had already made an early reminder for us to get together again right after he celebrated his birthday in Subic together with Kirk and Arthur's lover, Albert.

Thursday came and it's the only day in a week where I could take a rest from work. It is definitely my favorite day, however, last Thursday wasn't that interesting at all. The previous week gave me a lot of pressure and a lot to think about. Annual Appraisal is just around the corner and I'm eyeing a higher position. I am a little bit confident on getting the promotion but that is not enough reason for me to be laid back and ignore the significant things that I need to do and think about.

I really don't want to go out that night. First and foremost, I slept late that day and I’m thinking of getting enough sleep and eventually go to the office still to finish piled up work but Arthur is insistent in waking me up and dragging my ass all the way to Glorietta and afterwards a Thursday night gig in Malate.

When I say that I'm not in the mood to go out and mingle with party freaks it means that I'm not really in the mood and I will never be in the mood.

The three of us grabbed a beer each in New York Café while debating on where to go. A table in front of us are two cutie and buffed guys. On our left side are four buffed and equally cutie guys. As in Heller, as if I'm not used in this kind of scenery in Malate but that night, it all sank in me. "I'm not as goodlooking and as attractive as these guys!"

I never felt so left out before, I don't know if its Thursday night or it was caused by my stressful week, but that was the first time in my life wherein I never felt so belonged in a Malate crowd. In all honesty I never used self-pity and the word "I" in the same sentence before, and there is always a first time for everything. As we have all agreed to go in BED, for obvious reasons that it was the only hyped place around Nakpil and Orosa at that time, I was plagued by an enormous amount of self-pity. I know that it is a haven for gays and a congregation of topless, well-buffed, attractive guys dancing and flirting around maybe a wonderland for most of us. But that night, I never felt the Judy Garland feeling of wearing the Ruby Shoes but if ever I did, I'd sure tap around the way to bring me back to reality.

Is there something more than having a broad chest, a complete pack of abs and a complimentary pair of dimples or that's just it and you'll survive in the gay world of today? And if you have none of the above, are you doomed to feel misery and frustration in the rest of your life?

I never took this issue seriously for I really do think that there's more to gay life than being super-attractive but as of that moment, it took me some time to feel reality slap me on the face so hard I felt my face numb for like thirty minutes. It didn't take me two hours to stand in a place like that, I gave up, for the first time, I turned my back on the only place where I thought I would be accepted. That night, it was definite, there was nothing more than having a broad chest, a complete pack of abs and a complimentary pair of dimples.

But to think of it, my ego is still battling with myself, it kept on telling me that it is senseless, shallow and not worth bothering about. There is definitely more to life than that. It just so happened that I was not blessed with godly looks that would qualify me to be in the front covers of GQ, it doesn't matter that I'm worthless. I feel a strong amount of pity to those who would take into priority the looks or the physical quality of a person as the basis of ones existence. Lets not be hypocrite and all, we all know that we are still dreaming of meeting a Marc Nelson or a John Hall that would love us forever. But it would be very hard to accept that we are pathetic in wishing for that to happen. Because of that, for the previous years, I developed a mindset of not having too many expectations on the guys that I would eventually meet or get involved with, in fact, I never looked forward on having somebody as a partner or a lover. If it would come, then it would, and it is only my prerogative to accept or decline.

Being judged by just the way you look is a patented action of a witless person. No one could be uglier than a person who says that someone is ugly. I am not afraid to admit that there are a couple of times that I was pre-judged as being a lesser person just because I'm less attractive and I let those events slip into my hands. All of us have the right to be judgmental, all of us tend to be judgmental and I for one is guilty of that. For now, I am being judgmental to those persons who would lambaste somebody because of his/her "apparent unattractiveness". But take note that the quoted expression is based on their close-minded opinions. Just because somebody is attractive (on their personal belief) doesn't give them the right to be the head of the flock, to be the authority of attractiveness. If ever they do have the right to be like that, equally they also do have the right to be a residue of civilization. I am not taking this into a general perspective, but there are still some who are indeed more moronic than anyone could have ever imagined that any adjective would no longer be applicable for such lesser kind.

Indeed, there is more than having godly looks, there is educational attainment. There is more than having a "sexable" appeal, there is personality. There is more than having a complete pack of abs, there's professional excellence. There is more than having a well-sculpted chest, there is a well-sculpted brain, mind you, functioning brain. There is more than having a perfect-featured face, there is etiquette and being cultured. There is more than being a hotshot gay, there is being a rational man.

I'm sorry, but I'm not interested on somebody who would look at me in the face and say 'hello'. I am more interested on somebody who would look into me and say 'goodbye'.